Anthropologists have noted a sharp rise in “quornibalism” among indigenous peoples of tropical rainforest regions, as the supply of nutritious missionaries dries up and people become more aware of the risks of the red meat diet.
“Eating our enemies after killing them in battle used to be a regular part of our dietary ritual”, says Amazonian village headman Sarokmuna, “until we discovered the amount of carbon emissions involved. Did you know you could cook 500 soya burgers with the fuel it takes to roast one captured tribesman on a spit?”
Meanwhile, warrior Teralpapak, 27, says he would regularly eat the hearts of his slain enemies to absorb their strength and courage, until he heard some shocking facts about cholesterol in a drumbeat chatroom. Since then he has been a committed vegetarian. “I only ever went back to cannibalism once”, he says. “It was when another warrior called me a poofter after I offered to share my delicious tofu recipe with him. Before I knew it, I was burping over his remains and drinking wine out of his skull”.
